Because Relationships Matter

I have a question.

I get asked frequently, "Is it ok to feel this way? Is it ok for me to think this?"

The questions are often asked with tentativeness, as if they are expecting to hear, "No. It's not ok. You are bad. I think you better leave as quickly as possible."

They're looking for affirmation, and I do offer it. However, I don't want to reinforce the need to seek permission for their thoughts and feelings to exist, to own them.

If people are asking for permission, it's pretty common that they are stuck in a place they don't want to be. There's often a secondary question that's hidden.

It's a question of validity.

"Do my thoughts and feeling count? Do they have significance? Do they matter?" The real doubt being communicated, "Do I matter?"

My answer is always the same.

You matter. Regardless of what's been said or done to you, you matter. Regardless of what you've said or done to others, you matter.

It's often the question behind the question.

Safe Listener

Some people don't talk much in relationships even when there seems to be plenty to talk about. The silence makes the people who they care about, and who care about them, act just a little bit crazy!

Nagging, persuading, begging, and threatening are a few of the things tried. The motivation: "I want to make them talk to me!"

When that doesn't work, the more verbal person might start talking for both of them, telling the other person how to think or feel. The quieter one may even grow to appreciate not talking. It's more comfortable being told what to think than have to face the discomfort of not having an answer.

That can make the relationship really crazy!

It's common that the quiet person isn't being intentionally obstinate. When they say, "I don't know", it often begs the responding question, "How can you not know? You have to know!" Most of us have participated in this less-than-productive conversation.

What if they are telling you the truth? What if they aren't lying? What if they really don't know?

They don't know why they did what they did or said what they said. They don't know what they want to do. They don't know how they feel or what they think. They don't know.

They don't have words to put with what they're experiencing. They may lack the vocabulary. They may lack the security to speak it.

I was given some great advice years ago, "Kathy, if you want the people you love to talk with you, to trust you, you have the responsibility to be a safe person for them to talk with." After I got over the pride of hearing the truth about myself, it helped. A lot.

Most of us can't tell the difference between being listened to and being loved.

Love well. Listen.

Mom Said ....

My mind wandered this morning to some random things my mom said.

• If you can't say something nice about a person, don't say anything at all.
• We all need a good cry from time to time. It's good for you.
• Did you know there was a little girl who had to have her stomach operated on, and they found a big wad of chewing gum in her stomach? Don't swallow your gum.
• Sometimes you just have to scream. It's good for you.
• Wait an hour after you eat before you swim, or you'll get a stomach ache and drown.
• No matter what your kids do or say, you always love them -- they're your kids.
• Don't sit in the passing lane of traffic -- move up and move over so others can pass.
• Make sure everything is prepared ahead of time for guests so they won't see you working to make it nice for them. It should look like no trouble at all. Once they arrive, have fun too!
• I wish I would have been better behaved when I was younger...

My mom died in 2000 when she was 65 of some premature health issues; she regretted not caring better for her health.

There's only one body to live this life from. Care well for yourself. Enjoy life!

Finding the Words

People tell me things they've went through in life. I reflect back the variety of emotions and feelings that most likely developed.

Eyes often fill up with tears, "It's hard to hear what I've not been able to describe with words."

There are a lot of explanations for the inability or discomfort of associating words to how we feel.

If we were raised in a place where others were outspoken, we were told how to feel, what to think, and when to speak. If we showed emotion, we were told, "I'll give you something to be upset about!"

Other times, we might have been raised in a really quiet place, where everyone seemed distant or withdrawn.

It may have more to do with our present situation than how we were raised, or a combination of several factors might be the best explanation.

Regardless of the cause, these are some of the beliefs at work.

• "I can't let it out."
• "I don't know if anyone will care."
• "I can't handle it."

An emotional vocabulary is lacking or underdeveloped. When people don't have the words to describe how they feel or what they're thinking, they often don't say anything. That leads to a whole bunch of other problems.

Discovering the words and finding your voice are important. It's difficult but worth it!

Think or Feel

Some people focus on what they think, "I think we would argue less if we had a budget."

Others talk about how they feel, "I feel we would argue less if we had a budget."

People process information differently, especially when it comes to problem-solving. In this case, they agree on a possible solution: a budget. How they approach it, and what they expect from it, may look much different.

We don't need to define ourselves or others into categories. However, when we're in tense conversations trying to find solutions, recognizing styles can be really helpful.

As voices escalate, most of us have been told, "You just don't get it! You don't understand what it's like for me!"

The person is frustrated. It's about them. It's not about me. If I react to feeling blamed, the tension will rise. My goal is to calm things down so communication continues.

When I don't know if the person thinks or feels their way through words, I'll include both options. "What do you think or feel I need to hear so you can have more confidence that I'm understanding?" They seem to stop for a few seconds, and then they start talking again.

I'm not really sure why it's effective. It may be the "think or feel" option they heard. It may be keeping the conversation focused on them.

I just know it's really helpful.

When people don't experience a state of being understood, they are often frustrated. When you can help yourself or others connect with how they most comfortably communicate, you can bring calm to challenging conversations.

The Deal With Emotions

When emotions are ignored, dismissed, avoided, or buried, they can make you sick. Disrupted sleep patterns, stomach or chest pain, teeth grinding, elevated blood pressure, and even increased risk to shingles or heart attack are some of the possible symptoms.

We often minimize it by saying, "I'm just stressed out." In reality, it's serious stuff when it's the pattern for months and years.

I've had more than a few people say, "I don't do emotions." What? Emotions aren't optional. It's like saying, "I don't do breathing." It doesn't work that way.

Emotions come with the package of being human. People-pleasing, temper outbursts, tears, over-working, indifference, and isolation are common emotional response behaviors.

For most, it eventually becomes more uncomfortable to avoid emotions than to deal with them. When that happens, it's time to be intentional to give those emotions a voice.

There are several methods, but one I have found most helpful is writing. Many people just groaned. Relax. You don't have to let anyone read it. The process, and it's a process, is more effective when you know it's just for you.

The goal is to create a direct connection between your hand and your thoughts. Whatever you think, you write. Unedited. Unscripted. Profanity allowed. Whatever is going through your head comes out of the hand onto paper.

I don't recommend electronic writing simply because it's too easy to copy, paste, and send. Yikes!

Accept thoughts and feelings for what they are. They exist. They're present. Let them out of your head or out of the knot in your stomach or heaviness in your chest.

Most things aren't nearly as scary when you can see them. Get used to acknowledging their existence.

Deal with your emotions so they don't deal with you.

Emotional Maturity - Laugh

When adults throw tantrums, I want to say, "Grow up!" I don't actually say it; it doesn't work with adults any better than it does with toddlers.

However, the words are a true description of the problem. Emotional maturity is lacking, at least during the tantrum.

I consider myself self-aware. I pay attention to my reactions when they're outside my personal range of normal. Given that knowledge about me combined with my temporary increased levels of stress, I thought this personal story might be helpful.

Recently, I couldn't find MY PURPLE TOP. It's in CAPS in the story wherever I was emotionally immature and screaming; let me emphasize: I was running very late and COULDN'T FIND IT!

I opened four drawers in about 45 seconds as the slamming after each one grew louder. "Where is IT?" I marched to the laundry room, then back to the laundry basket in our closet. There were a few expletives that I may or may not have said in my 180 second whirlwind of looking for the PURPLE TOP!

With complete courage, Jeff asked, "What are you looking for?" Without acknowledging his attempt to be helpful, I said, "My purple TOP." He started opening my drawers to help, as I reminded him, "It's NOT THERE!"

Despite my encouragement to engage battle, he continued until I heard, "Is this it?"

CRApppp. He found it.

With raised eyebrows, he noted, "Wound a little tight today?" We laughed a lot.

His comment and timing was really good. It helped. He accepted me. It reminded me to accept me.

Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh. Don't take others too seriously. Laugh. Whether it's a little or a lot, laugh.

Hint: Don't laugh if your spouse is in the midst of a tantrum. Timing is critical.

Blame Game

It's not my fault and It's my fault are the opposing extremes on the continuum of The Blame Game.

In abusive relationships, people stay in their role pretty consistently. In toxic relationships or when people are frequently in power struggles, they take turns jumping between positions. Conflict erupts when they both want the position of It's not my fault.

When people believe they are flawed, worthless, or dispensable, which shows up in feelings of depression, anxiety or anger, they are stuck in believing It's my fault. They have countless stories of what's been said or done to them by others. It gets twisted into the evidence they use to keep themselves convinced that it's true.

However, there's often a long path of unhealthy relationships with people who just don't play nice in the sandbox with others -- they're not well! Even with that evidence, they grab onto one tiny thread and twist their lives around it: if all these people think it's ok to treat me like crap, they must be right -- It's my fault.

With some insight, they often recognize the source of their beliefs. Even then, however, the road to un-twisting their thoughts is a tough one. Regardless, it's worth the effort to replace those distortions with new beliefs, the truth.

An important note: It's not my fault people actually have an incredibly deep belief that they are flawed at their core, so they hide it by anchoring themselves in this category. If they convince you to accept blame for all the relationship problems, they hope you will feel so lucky to be loved by them, that you will stay with them. Their goal is to not be abandoned.

Living on the continuum of blame is where we discover that we are indeed human. Being human means that we voluntarily visit the full spectrum of blame regularly.

More Like Others Than You Know

Although our lives are sometimes messy, we often have more in common with others than we recognize. 

People have asked me, "How do you do that? You described exactly what I feel, but I've not told you that much. How do you understand me so well?"

I remind them that while they are special, they aren't that special. I don't know that much, but I do recognize and understand patterns of behavior. Their comments demonstrate hope that things can improve.

At the other end of the continuum, I've had people get pretty upset and direct it toward me personally, "There's no way you understand. You can't figure me out that easily!"

They are somewhat correct. I spoke too quickly. I failed to recognize their belief that they are that different. I missed their need to be heard. Their comments demonstrate lesser hope that things can improve.

I can get so anxious for them to have hope that I lose patience. When people recognize that their life contains shared experiences and feelings, it tends to remove a sense of isolation, validates their experience, and improves self-esteem.

Learning that you aren't alone or that others understand is one of the most effective tools to help people get unstuck. My role is to point out things that they may not be able to recognize, or to offer a different perspective on their situation.

Yes, everyone matters. They just don't matter more than anybody else. You are not alone.

Seasons of Stress

I'm in a time of change, now and over the last couple months. Change brings stress. Forming a business, office space, website, liability insurance, HIPAA compliance, and tax questions are a few of the details needing attention. It takes time for things to unfold, and most things are dependent on something else. 

Stress is real. It consumes thoughts, heightens emotions, disrupts sleep, shortens the breath, and causes stomach problems. Basically, all the indicators that relaxation is needed, and yet all the things that make relaxation more challenging. 

I'm on the other side of the worst part, I think. Sleep seems to have returned to normal, and my stomach has stopped hurting.

The reality is that this has been really good for me. It keeps me humble. It heightens my compassion for people struggling with their marriage, finances, health, kids and extended family, addictions and depression.

In the midst of it, all the things I knew to be true slipped away. Jeff asked me, "What would you say to yourself if you came to you for counseling?" It's a good question that helped but slightly ticked me off. 

Yeah, I get it. I am being proactive on the things I can get done, I recognize what things can't be controlled, but I was missing the serenity to accept the things yet to be determined. Knowing that didn't make the feelings go away. The more I tried to make the feelings of stress go away, the more stress I felt.

There's a lot of change, and a lot of unknown factors, so expecting that I won't feel stress is unrealistic. The best thing I can do is accept that it's a season of stress. It really helps to stop fighting reality.

Exercise. Eat well. Go to bed. Create space in the early morning for solitude and quiet. Breathe deeply and slowly to slow down the mind. Do what you can.

Accept that it's a season of stress. It just is.