Because Relationships Matter

I Don't Want To Feel This

The longer we try to avoid or ignore uncomfortable feelings, the longer they remain present. I had a professor who said, "Whatever you resist, persists!" It's a bit trite, but true.

We go to great lengths to try to make feelings go away. We may judge them, fear them, get angry at them, endlessly analyze them, or try to ignore them.

We may try to make them go away by doing one or more of these things in excess: eat, drink, shop, gamble, drugs, sleep, work, or non-stop activity.

Whatever you try, nothing seems to really help. When you allow yourself to notice, the feelings are still there. Unfortunately, they are often stronger now than they were initially.

The first step is to acknowledge their presence. They exist. They don't have to define you, but the sooner you allow them to be present, the sooner the uncomfortableness will lessen.

"I don't want all this. I don't want to be this person. I don't want all these feelings. I want it to go away."

I know. It sucks.

There are often distorted thoughts, bad memories, and other crap that cause feelings we don't like. Allow the feelings to be present in order to find your way through them.

While, "It sucks less as soon as you stop fighting it," might not be a great motivator, it is practical. It's also effective.

If I discover another method, I'll let you know!

Trust and Regret

Most of us understand regret. "Why did I do that? I'm so mad at myself!" We know what we did. We recognize that it was avoidable. We can't undo it.

When the mistake was trusting someone who you later discover is not worthy of being trusted, the regret is more complex.

"Why did I do that? I'm so mad at myself for trusting them!" It creates an emotional mess! You trusted. The trust was betrayed. The anger gets turned at them and ourselves. It just gets all twisted up.

When someone lies, their intent is to get what they want and deception is how they do it. They care about their needs. When they are exposed as deceptive, they may be sorry, sorry they were caught, continue to lie, or justify their actions. Regardless if the behavior was rooted in being malicious, stupid, self-centered, or self-righteous, we trusted them.

We trusted. Once we know, we may judge ourselves for having missed it. "How did I not see it?" Give yourself a break. Everything is clear when it's out in the open.

Remember, the deception was not an accident. It was intentional. Our trust gave them power to influence us, and that includes the power to deceive.

To swing to the opposite extreme and pull ourselves back from trusting is not the answer. Life is about trusted relationship: being an influence to others and being influenced by others.

It sucks to feel regret. However, we can learn from it.

What can I learn about myself from this betrayal? Were there indicators present that I didn't want to acknowledge as possibly true? How can I gain wisdom about who I give my trust to in the future?

Start From Where You Are

We are all somewhere. We often want to be somewhere else.

Whether it's a time from the past that we miss or a place in the future, we are often positive that it would be better than here.

Jeff and I have noticed that our conversation often drifts to retirement years. What do we want to do? We have clear pictures of what we don't want, but the vision for what we do want is blurry. It doesn't stop us from continually talking, wondering, and dreaming.

We generally snap ourselves back to reality, "We don't even know if we'll be here tomorrow." The conversation can be fun, but at some point, it's not all that practical. It can be draining.

All we have is the present. Now. We can spend so much time worrying or dreaming about the future that we miss the life we have now. I don't want to do that.

Yes, planning matters. It's responsible. It's what adults do. However, there's a point when the planning needs to stop and living needs to start.

When people are stuck in a place that they don't want to be, the first step is to accept their current reality. This is the reality. It might suck, but this is it. Denying it, ignoring it, or fantasizing about it just delays the pain of seeing it.

This is the place where I am. Whether it's my own choices, the choices of others, or situations that have just happened. It is what it is.

Accept where you are. You don't have to like it, celebrate it, or understand it. It's where you are. If it were so easy to change, you already would have. Accept it.

Decide your next step. Prepare or plan as you need to. Take it. Repeat as needed.

Something Has To Change

What do you want to change: a job, a relationship, a lifestyle? The degree of tension between how it is and how you want it to be will influence what you do.

"It's not that bad." With a high tolerance for painful situations, this can slip into becoming abusive.

"If I just try this, maybe it will get better." The process of elimination is a great strategy until it becomes irrational.

"This doesn't need to be like this. It could be so good if just..." There is injustice in the world.

"I'm not ready." This can be a really good place recognizing the presence and power of fear that keeps us stuck.

The current situation is familiar although it may be uncomfortable, miserable, or downright painful. The desired situation is uncertain, unknown, or downright scary. Using only emotions, change will happen when the pain of the present becomes greater than the fear of the future.

The problem with using emotions to motivate change is that they are often triggered by past situations as far back as childhood. They shouldn't be ignored but they also shouldn't dictate your actions.

Pay attention to emotions. Accept them. Whether you like them or not, the feelings are present; they are not going to change until the current situation does. The emotions aren't the problem; they are a symptom.

Remember where this started: Something has to change. Once the tornado of emotions is seen for what it is, the work of action can effectively begin.

What's the first step? You know what it is. Take the step.

"If I do that, then this will happen and then..." If you go down this path of thinking, this is where emotions creep back in to rule the day. We don't get to know how it will all turn out. We don't know that we'll even be alive tomorrow! It is what it is.

Do the next right thing.

The Dance of Love

Have you ever been to a wedding reception where they offer a Dollar Dance, the time when the guests line up and pay to dance with the bride or groom? Up on their tip toes for the tall guest, crouched awkwardly to dance with the 8 year-old, and holding on as they get dizzy with the life-of-the-party guest!

As they quickly go through the line giving each person a less than a minute personal experience, they have to adjust quickly. Besides wanting the money, they adjust themselves to make the guests feel comfortable: letting them know they matter by paying attention to who they are and recognizing what they need.

It's the dance of love when we don't make things all about us. We do the same thing in our relationships when we pay attention.

We often listen and think that what we are hearing is about us. However, if we learn to listen differently, we will discover that people are often telling us something about themelves.

What are they really saying? Where have they been in life? What brings them to this place: what have they done or what's been done to them?

When someone is blaming you for making them feel bad, hurt, angry, or jealous, it's not about you. It's about them.

I know that they are saying it's all your fault, but they are trying to tell you something. Try to respond differently and see what happens.

"If I had done or said what you wanted, can you tell me how that would have changed how you feel or what you think?"

They still may reply saying, "I would think you cared," or "I would think you were responsible."

Seek to understand them further with, "Are you saying you would feel important?" or "Are you saying you would feel protected?"

You are not trapped now to do what they are asking, but now you know what they need. "Ok. Thanks for letting me know."

It's a loving dance when we adjust ourselves to hear or see what others are trying to tell us.

The Dance of Change

In conversation and relationships, there's a dance. For every movement, there's a response. One person may appear to be leading, but the reality is both people respond to the movements of one another.

Sometimes it turns into a dance marathon, both are exhausted and in pain, but it's the only dance routine they know. They become so accustomed to it, they could do it in their sleep, and they often don't know how to end it.

Think of how it looks like if only one person of a dancing couple starts moving to a new rythym. The person who didn't initiate the change may work hard to get their partner back into the old routine, they may continue their part alone, or they may walk off the dance floor.

Regardless of what happens, the dance has already been interruped; it's already changed if even temporarily.

Regardless of whether you initiate or resist change, it's difficult to continue dancing alone to different rythyms. That's true for both partners.

Change can be awkward and very uncomfortable. However, the dance will eventually change or the dance will stop. 

If one person changes, the relationship will not be the same. Something will change. It might not be the change you hoped for, but it will be different. 

You can't change another person, but you can change how the relationship, the dance, looks.

Can you accept my depravity?

When people start talking more than they normally have, especially about their hurt or their anger, it can be really different for the listener. If you are used to a spouse being easy-going, complacent, or indifferent, it's an adjustment when they start talking! It's a worthwile adjustment to make.

When things are unspoken, when secrets are kept, when communication is lacking, it creates distance and a lack of connection. It's often accompanied by a lack of trust. It happens in relationships; it happens in organizations. 

Donald Miller wrote this very brief but amazing blog post about the secrets we now know about Rod Blagojevich and Jerry Sandusky. It's very true.

When we allow ourselves to be known, even when we fear the response, we are saying, "You are more important to me than my fear of what you'll think of me." 

You want people to know they matter to you? Talk to them. Be transparent.

You want people to open up to you, to trust you? Go first. It's hard. 

Because I believe people are inherently significant, because they matter, it means I'm transparent often. In response to that, I often experience acceptance. I hope people experience the same from me. 

There are other times when I am judged. It hurts, but I can learn from it. When someone wants to tell me about my faults without being willing to talk about their own, they don't accept my depravity. They likely don't accept their own either. You can't give away what you don't already possess.

I can still offer acceptance to those who hurt me. [You may need to create some distance so it doesn't become abusive, which is never good.]

Without trying, many people are transparent and make themselves known unintentionally. We can still offer them acceptance in their depravity.

Breaking Tradition

There are families that enjoy one another and get along well. Family & holidays can be fantastic!

Until they're not. There are families that are uncomfortable and pretty darn crazy. It happens. Often.

Sometimes it makes sense to suck it up and go anyway. Sometimes it makes sense to end the madness and stay away.

This brings "How would I do that?" and "What would I say?" questions, and "You don't understand!" and "It's what we do!" exclamations. All of these are valid and worth considering, but they're not the place to start.

The preliminary question to answer is one of permission, "Can I do that? It's family! I can't do that. Can I?" You can. I don't know if you will, or if you're ready, or if it's helpful. Know that you can.

The awareness of choice is critical. It's the step that makes all the difference. It opens the door. Regardless if you walk through it, the door is open.

"I can exit these traditional family events. I may still choose to attend this time, this year, but the realization that I can choose not to attend is really good. It's empowering. It actually helps me be with my family when I have the knowledge that I am not forced to do it. I choose to be with them."

You have choices. You are not trapped. You are not powerless. You are an adult competent and capable to make decisions.  While it sounds like I'm stating the obvious, the reality is that people know it, but they don't believe it or do it.

When you allow your mind to consider breaking from traditions, that step itself can be the break in tradition that's needed most.

Thank You

Parents reprimand, remind, and prod, "Say Thank you." Learning to be thankful is an important life skill. The inclination to take people and things for granted appears to be human nature. 

There's a wonderful little book about one method for developing the practice, 365 Thank Yous: The Year a Simple Act of Daily Gratitude Saved My Life.The author, John Kralik, has a writing style that's enjoyable to read.

Life is hard, and for many, that's an understatement. When dark days come, the last thing we gravitate toward naturally is being thankful. 

I've heard it said, "If it doesn't make you bitter, it will make you better." Even though it's true, it's not helpful to push away or deny the negative stuff. If you're sitting in the middle of crap, see it for what it is. When you're ready to get out of it, look for what you can learn from it.

What can this situation teach me: about myself, about others, and about life? When I look back at this time of my life, how will I be able to see that it shaped who I've become?

With the perspective of 20:20 hindsight, my most challenging times have helped me most. As an example, when I've felt personally attacked, it's allowed me to recognize how active my fear of disappointing others has been triggered. I hate these seasons. They really suck.

At the same time, I gain new roots of self-esteem each time I encounter the pattern. I learn to appreciate the strengths while lessening the need to be affirmed by others. 

By the way, I don't send a Thank You note to those who triggered it in me; I'm not a martyr! Doing my best to wish them well in my heart and mind is not easy, but it is helpful.

Door Mat Syndrome

I have no clinical evidence for this condition, but I see it regularly.

One person in a relationship sets their own needs aside for the other person. This person assumes the role of door mat. "Go ahead and walk over me - wipe your feet well, and I'll get myself all washed up and put in place for the next time you need me in this role!"

It is done with loving intentions and often with the logic, "I want you to feel valued. I want you to feel good about you." The logic is flawed. It doesn't work, and it generally makes the other person feel less valued. Additionally, both people in the relationship often see themselves in the role without recognizing it in the other.

"I matter" (aka "my feelings matter") communicates significance. "I know I matter. I choose to be in relationship with because you matter too." Both people matter...equally.

"I don't matter" (aka "my feelings don't matter") communicates insignificance. "I know I matter, but you matter more. I want you to feel special. Why don't you feel special? Let me try harder."

When you set yourself aside for others on a regular basis with the hope that it will inspire change in someone else, it's not helpful. If someone is willing to be taken advantage of, and they want me to join the club, I want to get distance from them.

After setting our feelings aside in varying degrees, we may hit our limit and want out of the door mat role. "I'm done being the door mat in this relationship! My feelings matter, and you've been ignoring my feelings for years! You'll never change! "

While it's great to acknowledge our significance, we can still be in the dark. Blinded by our own pride, we become certain that "I've done all I can." We move from one extreme to the other. We over-correct. It can easily slip into feeling like a victim. It's not necessary to scream, "Don't walk on me!"

Own responsibility for the choices that have been made. Your needs matter. They don't matter less than others, but they also don't matter more.